Frieze has come to London. Before you set foot into the wild, Annabel Downes will make sure you know what you’re up against. Below, she offers a field guide to the benign onlookers and vicious blue-chip gallerists you can expect to encounter in the enclosu—sorry, fair—this week.
Each October, as the migratory season begins, a vast menagerie descends upon Regent’s Park. Within two neighbouring enclosures — Frieze London and Frieze Masters — the city’s annual congregation of art-world species gathers to feed, preen, and perform familiar courtship displays. The location, flanked conveniently by London Zoo, offers a fitting backdrop: both institutions devoted to the careful containment, observation, and commercial presentation of the world’s most curious specimens.
This field guide has been compiled to assist visitors in identifying and understanding the dominant species within this ecosystem. From the territorial Galleristus blue-chipus imperialis (“The Mega-Dealer”) and the pesky Advisoris stealthii pragmaticus (“The Art Advisor”), to the ever-circulating Pressreleasus ambulans (“The PRs”) and wide-eyed Homo spectans bewilderus (“The Ordinary Folk”). Each species plays a vital role in maintaining the delicate balance of the Frieze biosphere.
The Mega-Dealer (Galleristus blue-chipus imperialis)
Habitat: Known for commanding the largest enclosures, often fitted with their own climate systems and reinforced barriers. Once central to the zoo’s geography, they are now positioned toward the back — part of a new management strategy encouraging visitors to traverse younger, herbivorous species before contact with these apex predators.
Appearance: Tailored suits and a fixed frown are considered evolutionary assimilations acquired through sustained feeding relationships with billionaire baboons in offshore habitats.
Diet: Feeds primarily on Collector maximus migratorius and Artistus establishedus, though known to prey opportunistically on the efforts of Galleristus emergentis, often seizing their catch mid-hunt.
Behavioural Notes: Displays minimal outward motion, conserving energy for decisive strikes. Responds well to ego-stroking. Incorrect handling may result in immediate social extinction of the observer.
Conservation Status: Classified among the “Big Five” — White Cube, Gagosian, David Zwirner, Hauser & Wirth, and Pace — each formidable, territorial, and notoriously difficult to approach in the wild. Specimens thrive across continents, though recent reports suggest the Pace population has shown signs of decline, following the closure of its Hong Kong habitat.
The VIP Collector (Collector maximus migratorius)
Habitat: Grazing the larger enclosures before migrating to the temperature-controlled VIP Lounge, where they remain largely sedentary for the rest of the afternoon.
Appearance: Mature individuals are identified by tailored suits and soft-soled Loro Piana shoes. Younger specimens have evolved scruffier urban camouflage. Do not be deceived: these are often the hungriest creatures in the zoo.
Diet: Big, wet slabs of meat. Picky about provenance, often following the herd toward the biggest, best-packaged cuts. Unlikely to sample fresh prey unless heavily coaxed. If the gamble fails, they’ll eat you instead.
Behavioural Notes: Among the zoo’s most coveted species, they move cautiously to avoid detection. At peak feeding hours, they become especially vulnerable to opportunistic pests (see: Advisoris stealthii pragmaticus).
Conservation Status: Population elusive and easily miscounted. Several subspecies exhibit near-identical behaviours — producing much display but, as field studies suggest, all fart, no dung. Genuine Collector maximus migratorius remain exceptionally rare.
The Art Advisor (Advisoris stealthii pragmaticus)
Habitat: Shadowing Collector maximus migratorius through the VIP enclosures of Galleristus blue-chipus imperialis. Recent global cooling has forced this predator to entertain collector magnificus wannabus.
Appearance: Mimics its prey — Collector maximus migratorius — via pristine suede Loro Piana shoes or Common Projects trainers, always box-fresh for maximum camouflage.
Diet: Chases commission, yet really feeds on zoo gossip and invitations to late-night enclosures for the promise of nocturnal mingling, securing access to the choicest A+ cuts.
Behavioural Notes: Maintains one eye on prey at all times. Evolution has produced a mild jowl from perpetual downward gaze at the phone. Under mounting environmental pressures, some have abandoned camouflage for exhibition — displaying traits increasingly aligned with Narcissa socialis (see: “The Art Influencer”).
Conservation Status: Thriving. Like most pests, they demonstrate exceptional adaptability, flourishing even in contracting ecosystems.
The Emerging Gallerist (Galleristus emergens ambitiosa)
Habitat: Relocated to high-traffic zones near the zoo entrance as part of new management policy to encourage ample feeding and increased stroking.
Appearance: Lean and alert.
Diet: Feeds selectively on lean yet nutritionally dense cuts of meat. Increasing competition has made foraging more precarious, with Galleristus blue-chipus imperialis now adopting similar hunting strategies. Their diet is not always to the taste of Collector maximus migratorius, but often devoured by Criticus fatigatus nocturnalis.
Behavioural Notes: Frequently observed pacing within its enclosure, a behaviour that intensifies toward closing hours when the scent of uneaten meat begins to rise, occasionally tipping the species into mild frenzy.
Conservation Status: At risk. High costs of captivity have forced many populations back into the wild.
The Art Critic (Criticus fatigatus nocturnalis)
Habitat: Typically found clustered near watering holes and power outlets.
Appearance: Branded merchandise from the gift shops of distant zoos. If you’re lucky, you may even spot a Criticus fatigatus Schacterii bouncing around — distinguished by matching Adidas tracksuits.
Diet: Restless hunter, but picky eater. Known to reject prime cuts in favour of saving its appetite for after-dark prowls, scavenging for something juicier. Happy to take down Galleristus blue-chipus imperialis when opportunity arises.
Behavioural Notes: Erratic. Best observed early, when they can be seen scurrying between enclosures. By afternoon, they retreat to their caves to digest the morning’s intake, only to regurgitate it as rapidly as possible — a competitive display believed to attract mates and maintain status within the herd. Be warned: some bite (see: “Jonathan Jones, Guardian Pen”).
Conservation Status: Wild populations remain fragile, while those in captivity benefit from reliable feeding schedules.
The PRs (Pressreleasus ambulans humaniformis)
Habitat: Found at the entrances of enclosures, greeting each Criticus fatigatus nocturnalis to Galleristus emergentis by kingdom, phylum, class, order, family, genus, and species. Often seen guarding late-night enclosures — best approached with deference; access depends on their goodwill.
Appearance: Fine plumage; clipped paws and a neatly trimmed mane.
Diet: Survives by tenderising the Big Five’s unsold cuts and serving them up as newly desirable delicacies (to avoid becoming part of the Big Five’s own diet).
Behavioural Notes: Among the most knowledgeable species in the zoo. Rarely stationary and on first name terms with nearly every inhabitant. Displays a persistent compulsion to facilitate inter-species introductions, whether welcome or not.
Conservation Status: Once considered invasive, now understood as vital to the ecosystem — much like the urban pigeon, tireless in its circulation and integral to London’s habitat. Male population in decline, upheld by the enduring alpha, Sam Talbot.
The Art Influencer (Narcissa socialis)
Habitat: Congregates in well-illuminated areas of the zoo, favouring heat lamps and watering holes to admire its own reflection.
Appearance: Exhibits complex plumage designed for maximum visibility, with frequent seasonal moults in line with prevailing trends.
Diet: Feeds primarily on the visually nutrient-rich such as Koons’ Balloon Dogs, Kusama pumpkins, and dumpling baskets from Dumpling Legend. Feeding is ceremonial rather than nutritive: the species poses beside its prey before abandoning it untouched. Actual ingestion is rare.
Behavioural Notes: Often observed pacing the perimeter, seeking a signal to broadcast its daily observations — a territorial display intended to assert presence to distant species and zoos worldwide.
Conservation Status: Overabundant and exhibiting exponential growth. Containment remains difficult, as the species’ display rituals have spread to almost every species in the zoo, and a full eradication could destabilise the whole ecosystem.
The Ordinary Folk (Homo spectans bewilderus)
Habitat: Repeated social rejection has conditioned the species to avoid certain enclosures (see: “Big Five”). Now occupies peripheral zones — walkways, watering holes, and communal feeding points such as Dumpling Legend.
Appearance: Neutral plumage that blends in the wild but stands out in captivity amid brighter species.
Diet: While displaying initial enthusiasm for the zoo’s offerings but soon discouraged by the prohibitive value of available meat, costing ten times their shelter in the wild. Typically departs undernourished.
Behavioural Notes: Disoriented by the zoo’s reversed etiquette: hushed in the wild, deafening in captivity. Often reverts to silence.
Conservation Status: Zoo integration remains difficult; many return to the wild, disillusioned, and warn others away from captivity. Some, however, are drawn back by the bright heat lamps — some attempting re-entry through the Advisoris stealthii pragmaticus pen (see: “Art Advisor Conservation Status”).
