It’s Valentine’s Day! Do you have plans? How about speed-dating ten artists? Daunting, I know, that’s why we sent Olivia Allen to do the job for us. Below, Olivia asks ten artists about their dream dates, worst dates, their go-to heartbreak albums, and more.
In the immortal words of ’80s pop sensation Pat Benatar, “Love is a battlefield.” And while the course of true love never did run smooth, this year, whether you’re wifed up or out here living young, wild, and free, let’s skip the last-minute petrol station bouquets and half-hearted declarations.
Instead, find solace in the angst-filled world of art as we take you on a whirlwind of speed dates with some of the sexiest artists London has to offer. Think of me as your very own Cilla Black and strap in for the ultimate first date – minus the awkward small talk, romantic spittling of the bill and subsequent existential dread. Kisses!
Leo Costelloe
Describe your ideal date.
I am completely hairless. Void of all body hair bar my eyelashes which have been enhanced with Maybelline “great lash” mascara. Applied liberally.
My head is shaved to the skin.
I’m wearing a dusty blue Elie Saab gown from the 2017 collection “The Birth of Light”.
The colour of the gown, in combination with my deathly pallid complexion, gives the impression that my skin is glowing a dulcet hue of grey.
My date is just shy of 6ft. They wear a dark tuxedo, the jacket is cropped high to the waist creating the illusion of unusually long legs.
We attend a private screening of “Mona Lisa Smile” at Vue Cinema in Stratford Westfield, followed by some light shopping at Pandora. Aside from ourselves and the sales assistant, the mall is completely empty. My date buys me a “Pandora Moments hearts clasp snake bracelet” with no charms.
We eat a three-course dinner at “Wahaca “ and smoke Sobranie cigarettes inside for the duration.
Later we fuck on the cold hard tiles of Westfield Stratford.
I return home… alone.
Someone who ghosted you turns up at your PV – what do you do?
This actually happened to me recently but it was at a sort of lunch thing over Frieze month we were “reintroduced” by a collector. He looked at me sort of stunned and said “We do know each other right” I said “Maybe? But I just can’t place your face”. And proceeded to munch a carrot stick in silence whilst looking him dead in the eye. And that’s on salacious gossip!
Someone you ghosted turns up at your PV – what do you do?
I’d say “Hello welcome in”.
Describe your love life using a song title.
Thank you (2008 remaster) -Bonnie Rait
Most romantic Artist of all time.
Me.
Gal Schindler
What’s the worst DM slide you’ve ever received?
I’m getting Modigliani’s granddaughter vibe.
Would you rather: Go on a date with a critic who gave you a bad review or a curator who ghosted you?
Deepseek says neither.
Describe your relationship history using art school cliches.
Street art, dutch still life, dog paintings and early Renaissance frescoes.
What’s the worst way someone has tried to impress you?
Got kidnapped to Menorca.
What’s the worst place to break up with someone?
On a family holiday.
Tasneem Sarkez
What’s your biggest ick on a date?
Splitting the bill.
Worst pick-up line someone has used on you?
“You’re definitely not an American white gal”
Shag, marry, kill: London galleries.
Marry: Rose Easton
Shag: Maureen Paley
Kill: Almine Rech
What’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done for love?
Love and I have yet to cross paths, but I’d imagine if I was in love, maybe I’d do something dramatic like paint them a portrait–then I’ve lost my mind.
Describe your love life in vague artistic terms.
When you thought you were getting a solo show but the flyer has at least five names.
Athen Kardashian
What’s the worst thing someone could say when they find out you’re an artist?
Anything that isn’t a segue into a completely different topic.
Shag, marry, kill: YBAs.
Shag Jake and Dinos Chapman, marry Rachel Whiteread or Chris Ofili, kill Damien Hirst.
What song are you listening to en route to a date?
Athens, France – bcnr :)
What would the exhibition title for your love life be?
Thank u, next
An ex walks into your PV with a new partner – what do you do?
Been there, done that.
Lucia Farrow
The least romantic gift you’ve been given?
Attachment issues.
Would you rather: date an AI artist or a crypto bro?
Definitely a crypto bro because at least he’d be able to pay for dinner.
The best excuse to escape a bad date?
Just blaming it on your most unhinged/uncontrollable friend and that they need your help. Orrrrr texting two of your friends to coincidentally walk into wherever you are and gate crash the date.
What’s your go-to heartbreak album?
Instead of an album, I have a few songs I rotate when I’m reallllly sad because who doesn’t like to make themselves feel worse when they’re already </3.
(David Bowie I Love You) Since I Was Six – Brian Jonestown Massacre
Sheepskin Tearaway – Pete Doherty
Love Is A Place – Metric
I’m Your Man – Leonard Cohen
Artist you’d least like to date (dead or alive)
The artists I’d like to date the least are also the ones I’d like to date the most if you know what I mean.
Rodin (would probably be an awful date but at least I’d maybe get a bronze sculpture of myself naked out of it).
Dante Gabriel Rossetti (would also be terrible but I’m obsessed with paintings of his muse Elizabeth Siddal).
Woodsy Bransfield
Describe your love life using an exhibition review headline.
Outrage as Woodsy Bransfield Trounce’s Bonnie Blue’s “Meagre” Gangbang Attempt in Widely Condemned Turbine Hall Installation.
What’s the most pretentious thing someone has said to you on a date?
Somebody once lamented how sad it was that people in “the regions” might not know to cook pasta al dente.
Worst art-world-inspired date idea?
Anything with the words Marina Abramovic in it.
You’re on a date and you need to leave ASAP. What’s your exit strategy?
Suicide.
Most romantic art-world encounter?
Jay Jopling once called me a c*nt.
DaddyBears
Would you ever collaborate with an ex?
I’d consider it if they unblocked mee.
A romantic gesture that actually gives you the ick?
Refusing to love bomb me for eternity.
Describe your worst date using only art terminology.
The man of implicit minute stature is unappreciative in response to the giantess (5’7) goddess who has engaged in travelling south of the river to evoke emotive feelings of sexy.
Most bizarre date location you’ve ever ended up in?
Cricklewood bingo hall.
Worst thing a date could say about your art?
That as a straight man they understand and identify with it.
Linnea Skoglosa
The worst thing someone could wear on a date?
Skinny jeans. They give me trust issues.
An artist you’d like to date? (Dead or alive)
Vincent van Gogh—supposedly, he burned his hand out of love for a woman.
Would you rather that your date mispronounces your name all night or is an Elon Musk apologist?
Mispronounces my name. At least that’s an easy fix.
Most unexpectedly romantic place you’ve ever been?
What if we kissed at the Oblivion Gate?
Describe your approach to love using only vague artistic terms.
Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more, you open the door
And you’re here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on.
Ana Viktoria Dzinic
Describe your approach to love in three words.
Intellectual chemistry galore.
Shag, marry, kill: contemporary critics.
Shag: Slavoj Zizek
Marry: Isabelle Graw
Kill: someone boring who I don’t even know the name of
Most romantic film of all time?
I actually only watch romantic films, so hard to choose but obsessed with anything Keira Knightley.
Sexiest artist in history?
Louise Bourgeois! So much energy! Spark and galore!
The biggest lie you’ve told to impress someone?
That I like their work… classic.
Hannah Tilson
Describe your approach to love using only vague artistic terms.
A layered composition of fluid hues, where contrast and harmony merge in a perpetual interplay. A textured surface, rich with depth, inviting intimacy yet defying full comprehension. Gestural yet intentional, spontaneous yet refined.
Most unexpectedly romantic place you’ve ever been?
Does locking eyes with someone while we both take our shoes off in an airport security line count?
Would you rather: Your date mispronounce your name all night or run an alt-Twitter
Mispronunciation is easier to fix than a deep-rooted character flaw, so I’ll go with that.
Words by Olivia Allen
